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Hyperemesis Sucks

September 3, 2014

So my radio silence has to do with my newest shiny diagnosis in my toolbox of medical issues – hyperemesis or “HG” as it’s lovingly referred to.

Let me just say, every time I’m struck with a new medical affliction I think “wow, this sucks worse than x,y and z” but HG?

HG takes the cake.

I started feeling sick during this pregnancy around 8-ish weeks. It came somewhat as a shock because with my pregnancy with Kaitlin everything was hunky-dory fine. I never threw up, I never had food aversions and I was otherwise totally fine.

So when the unrelenting waves of nausea and vomiting made their grand appearance I thought this too would pass. Everyone said to me that all I needed to do was get out of the first trimester. But then the first trimester came and went and unfortunately the HG stuck around.

Let me tell you a little bit about HG.

It’s not “just” morning sickness. In fact, if another person suggests that I “just” have morning sickness, I will personally slap them.

HG is when you are sick 24/7 and nothing helps. And by nothing I mean please don’t suggest ginger ale, crackers, zofran (omg, if one more person tells me what a lifesaver zofran was for them I just going to throw up on their feet.) chewing gum, etc.

HG is unrelenting nausea and vomiting – 24/7. Nothing makes it better. You spend your days/nights with your head in the toilet. And when you aren’t vomiting, you feel like you’re on the worlds smallest boat in the middle of the ocean with 50 foot waves tossing you around. It sucks. Bad.

So far, to date I have had 2 hospital visits and 2 IV fluid infusions to stay hydrated and afloat. As of this morning I’ve lost 14 pounds since finding out I am pregnant and I’m at my all-time lowest weight ever.

I’m 16w3d pregnant today and the HG hasn’t gone away.

My high-risk Perinatologist gave me a 5 pound weight gain deadline to hit by this coming Monday or else he’s going to admit me to my local hospital for a 5 day stay where he plans on force feeding me with a feeding tube (enteral nutrition) as if he things this will “bypass” my problem and kickstart my body into feeling better. I doubt it will. But I’m planning on doing whatever it takes to make both me and the baby healthy.

So at this point I’m hanging tight. Towing the line so to speak. Trying to limp through my days at work and laying half-dead on my couch at night. Sleeping on my bathroom floor next to the toilet at night. Oh yeah. Being pregnant this time is *so* much fun you guys.

 

The second time around

July 17, 2014

So what’s being pregnant like the second time around?

It’s wild wacky stuff my friends. So many unexpected emotions.

Earlier in the year, in a fit of tears, I hauled off the last of the baby gear (pack ‘n play, jumperoo, high chair) to a local consignment sale.
The day of the sale I walked over to my items on the sales floor and gently stroked the fabric and closed my eyes, envisioning Kaitlin as a baby using each piece of equipment.
The decision to off load all of the gear was nearly 3 1/2 year in the making. Matt and I pretty much knew that this was it – we were done trying. We were done thinking about ART.

The Frozen Embryo storage bill from SGFC sat alone in our bill box – unpaid – collecting late fees – because neither one of us had the emotional energy to make the call to tell them we were done.

But we were done. We had discussions upon discussions about the what-if’s of our situation.
What-if Kaitlin was an only child? So what, she’d get over it.
What-if Kaitlin resented us for being an only child? We’d explain how hard it was for us to make the decision.
What-if we got pregnant on our own? Great!

The what-if we got pregnant on our own scenario never really even seemed like a possibility. And when I write that, I’m 200% honest in saying it really didn’t
Everyone around me in my infertility social circle was pregnant with kid #2 or #3 or done with their family, save for a few. But I just knew and assumed I would never be a mom to a second kid. I think Matt assumed the same.

I’m still shocked and stunned that I’m contemplating an alternate ending to my party of 3.

The first 5 weeks of this pregnancy (since I found out) have been incredibly rough. I’m so sick – SO sick. And that’s made it hard to embrace, love and enjoy. But I think the underlying feeling is still wonderment and shock.

Is this thing on?

July 15, 2014

Like woah. I broke open wordpress and decided to write a blog post! Yes, I’m still alive and kicking and doing fairly well.
Actually, if the truth be told, I’m doing more than just well, I’m doing pretty good.

 

After changing nearly everything in my life over the past year, I’ve emerged as a whole new person. And this whole new person is actually growing a new person.

Yep.

You read that right.

I’m pregnant. And it happened all by itself. Without stirrups. Without injections. Without a RE transferring an embryo into my ute.

I got pregnant on the worst infertile cliche ever – on vacation. While I was stone cold drunk. At the beach. With friends.

And when I POAS 2 weeks after we got home from the beach and saw the blazing pink lines on the HPT I nearly fell off the toilet in total shock. I’m infertile. It’s been 4 years off BCP’s (give or take a few months here and there). How is this even possible?!

 

Yet here I am — 9w2d pregnant and expecting a baby in early February. My current “baby” will be 4 years old in a few short weeks and I’m starting all over again. With a newborn.

Holy shit.

 

Life is funny you know. It really is.

Defining Moments

October 7, 2013

There once was a time where I believed that there were some people on this planet that were just lucky. You know the ones. The people that seemingly sail through life, not a care in the world. No troubles to be had. Overall, they live this gloriously happy life and save for a few minor bumps in the road, most everything seems to be a-ok.

However, the older that I got, the more I began to realize that the aforementioned happy people just don’t exist. Maybe some people are better at hiding their struggles or emotions than most, but a truly happy and trouble-free existence? I don’t believe that for a moment.

We all have struggles in life. Each and every single person on this planet has had some defining moment in life. Whether we all choose to acknowledge this profound moment is our personal choice.

For many of us in the infertility community, our defining moment in life is our infertility diagnosis. I know for me that was the very first time in my life where I officially felt like I was out of control. My infertility diagnosis told me that my life was nowhere near perfect – not that I was under any delusions that it ever was.

Life is hard. Yes. And some of us sensitive souls choose to wear our heart on our sleeves and let whatever defining moment we have had rule our life – forever.

Infertility has ruled my life since January 2009. I’ve done my very best to pack it away in various forms. Pack away the emotions, strife, struggle of living as a broken person. I think now I can say I have embraced my body and the fact that it will never naturally conceive children. What I can’t embrace is my personal reaction to my defining moment.

My struggle to manage my diagnosis and emotional state – and the way it’s been all consuming, has become my new defining moment. Funny how it happened that my original issue was the infertility and now it’s manifested into something far more sinister and difficult to articulate.

I can openly walk into a support group and say I’m a recovering infertility patient. I have a far more difficult time unpacking all of the additional emotional baggage that infertility has brought along. I’m jaded. I’m bitter. I’m numb. I’m hollow.

Yes, I’m more compassionate to others and their struggles. I think I’m more accepting and patient. But overall, I am rocked to the core, and I don’t think even time will ever heal some of these always present wounds.

The thing is – these defining moments aren’t supposed to paralyze you. They’re supposed to help you grow and accept. 

I guess that’s the next stage of this game. 

I look forward to growing and accepting.

NIAW and why I “Joined the Movement” this year!

April 24, 2013

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By now, I hope most of you know that we are officially living smack dab in the middle of one of the best weeks in the year, in my opinion. Not only do I celebrate my 33rd birthday on Friday, but it’s also National Infertility Awareness Week, which is so incredibly awesome in so many ways! Not only do I now have a platform at my new position to speak about Infertility each and every single day, but I am also lucky enough to be a member of this amazing blog community which gives me an additional outlet to speak out and share my voice.

Let’s be real – I haven’t been very good about keeping house here at Life on K Street. Since taking my new job, I have been personally conflicted about what I should share (personally) and my new professional role. It’s been a strange balance, and one that I’m still unsure I’ve fully mastered. But blogging has always been such an important outlet for me and it’s definitely something that I have been missing in my life. So, here I am. Blogging again – because it’s NIAW and I can’t NOT stand up and say what this community, and how living with infertility has impacted my life.

RESOLVE started this Bloggers Unite program for NIAW with Mel from Stirrup Queens 3 years ago. And to this date, it’s still one of the most successful NIAW Awareness Campaigns that RESOLVE runs each year. You all just don’t know how incredible your reach is to the members of this community. I have the extreme privilege of working with many people who routinely tell me how much they value the voice of the ALI blogging community, and also, how much they admire each and every one of you for sharing your stories. Your voice matters. Your writing in this ALI community matters. Even when you don’t think people are listening, they are – I promise. I hear it each and every single day. KNOW this: you ARE making an impact.

I’ve had many people ask me while preparing for NIAW how they can “Join the Movement” like we talk about in the 2013 theme. And the answer is simple and stays the same, each time I’m asked:

DO something TODAY to raise awareness.

This could be something as simple as writing a Facebook status and linking to a great post about Infertility. You could add a Twibbon to your Facebook profile. Or, you could reach out to your local RESOLVE support group and asking how you could become involved. Don’t have one in your area? Then start one!! If social media is more your style, you can tweet about Infertility or create a Pinterest board. Or, if you live in Houston, Washington DC, Sacramento or Orange County, CA, you could sign up for the Walk of Hope for Infertility! Heck, if you are super motivated, come to Capitol Hill on May 8th for Advocacy Day!

Joining the Movement can be as big or small as you want. But the point is this: don’t just sit on the sidelines and watch NIAW pass by without taking action. Participate. Do something. Because YOUR story matters. YOU are worth it.

Why hello there 2013!

January 15, 2013

I know that I’ve been a bad blogger these past few years. I’ve really tried to keep up with my old blog and now, Life on K Street, but let’s be honest everyone: I’ve failed miserably.

Sometimes life, well, it just gets in the way. I tend to put a ton of things on my plate with the hopes of being able to juggle it all, but then I never can make it all happen. Truth be told, I miss writing. But apparently my brain doesn’t miss it enough to carve out time to actually write. So yeah.

The reality is that 2012 wasn’t the best year for K Street. We had lots of challenges around here. The last weeks of the year gave us Kaitlin’s first ever overnight hospital stay since her birth, which sucked. On NYE 2012 I resolved to make a better life for us in 2013.

And you know what? I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that the first 2 weeks of 2013 have been great!

I’ve got so many new and very exciting updates including one HUGE update that I’ll hopefully be able to share in the coming week (hint: I am NOT pregnant.)

Kaitlin ditched her pacifier (or binkie as she calls it) and for a kid who was a binkie addict, it’s been a relatively pain free transition for all of us. In addition, apparently she has decided that it’s time to be a “big girl” and potty train, which is fucking awesomeness.

So yeah, this is a brief update to say, “stay tuned” for more news.

Here’s to 2013!

Our Little Family

November 29, 2012

Three years ago today I found out I was pregnant with K.

Three years ago.

In my mind it seems like yesterday, but the reality is, it also feels like it was 10 years ago.

So much has changed in my life since Kaitlin’s birth. Good things, bad things, and things that I will cherish forever.

I do the very very best I can to cherish all the precious moments that I’ve been afforded by being K’s mother. I do what I can to stop when she excitedly screams “mommy look! a birdie!” and wants to share her moment with me. When we are driving to daycare in the morning, I try and enjoy the moments when she’s excitedly talking about the cows in the pasture or the inflatable “kitty cat on a pumpkin” that is no longer parked outside a local car dealership, a part of her morning sight-seeing routine.

But I can’t catch every little moment.

And this morning, while I was in a mad rush to get myself together to take her to school (the Mr. leaves the house at 5am these days, so I’m a single mother in the morning) Kaitlin was happily entertaining herself in living room while waiting for me.

I didn’t notice this little gift she left me until I returned home from dropping her to daycare.

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Kaitlin had lovingly set the kitchen table with her play cups in each of our designated spots.

I don’t know why this little gesture touched me, but it did. The Mr. and I have made a conscious effort to have dinner at this table “like a family” each night, no matter how busy we are. We talk about how we are our own little family and how families can use dinnertime to connect and talk about their days. No electronics. No disruptions. Just family.

Kaitlin left those little cups on our family table this morning. She knows we are a little family.

And those are the things that fill my heart.

Three years ago today, I would have never EVER guessed this would be my life. And yes, it’s hard. But I wouldn’t trade it for the world.